these are just a few reasons why I love you.
update on me, summer of 2010:
it’s been so long since I last tumblr’d. my laptop died earlier this year and my internet time was cut significantly. this, combined with the fact that I don’t want my family reading my blog and therefore don’t want to access it on the family desktop, means that I haven’t written anything of my own since april. sad day. you’ve all missed the last three months of my life. I think it’s time to share again.
might as well start with the situation here at home. things have become much more tense and stressful since my dad retired in june. having him home all day, every day is wearing on everyone. my parents have expectations that my brother and I no longer feel are reasonable now that we both have jobs and neither of them do. this is just one irritation of many that have led to family arguments over the summer. another source of contention is the growing freedom and independence that we are both developing, now that we are out and working. my parents feel their grip over us slipping, they realize they are losing the control they once held over our lives. and I think they take a lot of our sense of independence as rebellion, they feel a loss of respect. my dad and I had an argument one day where he basically told me that he didn’t trust me (“yes, I told him where I was going and what I was doing, but how was he supposed to know I wasn’t lying to him?”… really Dad?) my brother has told me many times that we can’t control how they feel or what they think, all we can do is be honest and the rest is up to them. I know he’s right but it’s very hard for me to not do everything possible to fit the mold that people want from me. it’s what I’ve always done and why I am still in this situation. my parents view me as a child, they’ve said as much to my face, “as long as you live under our roof, you are our child.” and that image has caused me to maintain my childlike attitude towards life. now that I am out from under their roof and that influence for close to, if not more than, 90% of my time, my own personality and self-image are slowly emerging.
my brother isn’t having quite as hard a time with things as I am, but he is becoming more and more frustrated by the way my parents continue to treat us as children. I have talked to him about moving out together and while he is open to the idea, he says he’s “just not quite ready yet, although he is very quickly getting to that point.” I desire and fully expect to move out this fall before winter hits. we’ll find something small locally, but it will get us out of our parents’ house and show them that we can be responsible for ourselves.
in a step towards moving out, I bought my first car of my very own yesterday. it’s the car that I have wanted forever: a Ford Mustang. 2002, bright yellow, and a steal for a car like this. sure, it has higher miles and a few problems, but they are mostly cosmetic and will be easily fixed with a new coat of paint (hopefully for Christmas.) at least it is mostly rust free and doesn’t need any major work by my dad. I’m not much a fan of the current color and will be having it painted blue or green, I haven’t decided which yet.
on the work front, my manager *finally* officially transferred me over to the service desk (a 20-cent raise that I should have gotten months ago.) the pay sucks and the treatment I have dished out on me from p/o’ed customers sucks even more. but it’s a job, and another step towards a management position if I choose to go that route before eventually leaving walmart. I enjoy the job for the most part, and I enjoy most of the people I work with anyway.
on the personal front, Quintin and I have been dating for almost 5 months officially, and 7 months unofficially (as far as our families are concerned, we don’t count the first two months when we were just getting to know each other.) we grow closer to each other every day, although most of the time I’m not even sure how that seems possible. sure, we’ve had our arguments and “fights”, but for the most part these involve one of us getting upset and sulking for a while. in the end though, we always wind up both apologizing to each other whether we were the one upset or the one who did the upsetting. after growing up in a family where very little is communicated, he is wonderful at drawing things out of me and getting me to explain exactly what I think and feel about things. communicating is his favorite activity and we often spend hours sitting and talking to each other about anything and everything. my family is in love with him for the most part; my siblings both view him as an older brother and he is considered family, not just a friend with them. my grandparents have adopted him as their own grandson, and often look forward to having him come to visit and play cards. my parents are the only ones who still seem to have a little trouble knowing what to do with him around sometimes, but they’re slowly coming around and growing more comfortable with him. I LOVE his family to bits, and spend more time over at their house than I do at my own recently.
overall, life is good, but things will be changing soon. hopefully they will all be good changes. all I can do is pray.
I came home from work upset last night. you knew it. you could tell even from my text messages. I was mad. I was upset. I had just spent 10 minutes sitting in my car crying because I didn’t want to come home and cry in front of my family. I didn’t want to have to answer the questions. I didn’t want to talk things out.
that’s the way I tend to handle things. I bottle them up inside and try to wait the emotions out until they disappear. it doesn’t work very well. I know that. but I try it anyway.
you knew. you knew I needed to talk, even though I told you I didn’t want to talk about it. when you called last night, I groaned a little inside. I knew what was coming. it was going to be a matter of either convincing you I didn’t want to talk, or forcing myself to go ahead and share.
I tried to tell you no at first. but you persisted. so I shared some of it, in the hopes that you would let things go and leave me alone. you did at first, but you could tell I was still upset. and then somehow you knew I was crying, although I tried so hard to hide it from you; I’m not sure how you knew. and you told me it was ok to cry. you wanted me to cry. to let everything go and share all of what I was thinking and feeling with you.
so I did. I cried to you on the phone. I let it all out and explained exactly what and why things were upsetting me. and you let me cry without making me feel bad about it. just sharing that load and being made to feel as thought I could cry without being judged was exactly what I needed.
thank you so much for being there for me. for allowing me to share and being willing to listen. for wanting to be a part of my life in the good times and bad. for helping me to remember that I’m not alone anymore. that I don’t have to handle everything on my own. you were exactly what I needed last night.
you so often know what I’m thinking; even when it’s just about what I want to eat.
you can tell when I’m worrying, even if I try to tell you I’m not.
you can see when I want to say something, but don’t know how.
you can tell when I’m thinking about things.
you know the things that stress me out, and the things that irritate me.
you know when I need to be hugged, or just held to feel better.
you know how to encourage and support me.
you know my secrets, things I’ve never told anyone else.
you know my dreams, my hopes for the future.
you know me better than anyone else does or ever has.
I love seeing you so much.
spending time with my family last night, sitting and watching a movie together. purposely going and getting the beanbag chair for the two of us to sit on together because there “wasn’t enough room on the couch” - really just so we could be close. holding your hand the entire time and then falling asleep with you right next to me.
talking to you after you left last night. and the way neither one of us says goodnight anymore, we just talk until one of us falls asleep.
missing you this morning, and waiting for you in the parking lot at work before we clocked in. how you pulled up next to me, we both got out and just hugged each other. there was no question, we both wanted it, both needed that contact, needed each other. I loved being held so close to you, burying my face in your neck, and the way you picked me up and held me in your arms.
you are so special, so important to me. I miss you. I need to have you close.
I love this, I love you.
this song now reminds me of you
i said everything’s gonna be alright.
rockabye….
